The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, is a work that continues to inspire me, and enhances my life, work, and relationships. If you are looking for a practical guide to help you challenge the life long patterns of thoughts and behaviors that keep you stuck and in pain, this may be the book for you. Learning and practicing the Four Agreements is a powerful way to experience more love, peace, confidence, and power in your personal and professional relationships.

The Four Agreements are:

• Be Impeccable with Your Word

• Don’t Take Anything Personally

• Don’t Make Assumptions

• Always Do Your Best

I’ll be posting more about each agreement and ways to incorporate the principles of each agreement into your life and relationships. Until then….

Create the life and relationships you want!

All the best~

Kemp

www.therapyforgaymen.com

Jealousy is the tie that binds, and binds, and binds.

                                                   Helen Rowland

Mike and Dan have been in a committed relationship for 5 years. One evening, while having dinner with some good friends, Dan notices that Mike is flirting with their mutual friend Rob. Dan is bothered by his partner’s flirtatious behavior. He feels jealous, angry, and anxious. He doesn’t know what to do with his intense feelings, and feels guilty for even having an emotional reaction to Mike and Rob’s interaction.

White and Mullen (1989) define jealousy as “a complex of behaviors, thoughts, and emotions resulting from the perception of threat to the self and/or relationship by a real or potential rival relationship.”

Most gay men have experienced jealousy at some point in their lives and relationships. The feelings can be painful, complex, confusing and create emotional and relational distress. The intensity of jealousy seems to increase when situations are perceived to be more threatening to the person and/or relationship. So, what might some of the underlying dynamics of the experience of jealousy in a relationship be about? Here are a few possibilities:

• Fear of loosing the relationship you have with your      

  partner, and the dividends of time, energy, and    

  commitment invested in the relationship.

• Feeling insecure about the level of trust, emotional

   safety, and commitment in the relationship.

• Lower self-confidence in your ability to attract,

  nurture, and sustain a meaningful, loving, and

  caring relationship with your partner.

• Unresolved emotional pain from previous relational

   experiences such as: infidelity, mistrust, dishonesty.

• The other guy’s perceived attractiveness.

Jealousy in your life and relationship situations presents an opportunity to get to know your self better, and to work on healing the blocks, and defenses that contribute to emotional and relational pain. It can help you have a more meaningful relationship with your self and others.

                 Ways to begin dealing with Jealousy

       • Acknowledge the feelings without judging them.

          Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad.

          Feelings give us good information about our

          interior world of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

       • Ask your self the question: What am I afraid of?

          Try to dig deep in exploring what your fears may be.

          Identifying and naming what you are afraid of can                  help to begin soothing the fear inside of you.

       • Consider talking with your partner about your

          jealousy and associated thoughts and feelings.

          This may help reduce your anxiety and create

          closeness in your relationship with the person

           you love and care about. In addition, you will

           be relating from a higher, more authentic sense

          of self.

       • Talk with a therapist, counselor, spiritual mentor

          about your struggle. Reaching out for support and

          help is a sign of strength and courage. It can be a

          good investment of time, energy and financial

          resources well spent.

Create the Life and Relationship You Want!

All the best,

Kemp

www.therapyforgaymen.com

Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way…

                                                 Edward de Bono

Happy New Year!

As you begin 2009, consider ways to create an abundant, fulfilling, and loving year of personal and professional relationship experiences.

                                       5 Tips to help you create your best year ever

• Clear away the clutter!

       Take time to determine what might be creating resistance to new experiences and growth in your life. It could be things such as relationship issue, your physical living or workspace, career or financial issues. Letting go of some things in your life during the New Year might open up some space for new relationship and life experiences.

• Work on getting clear

       Determine what kind of relationships and life you want to cultivate in 2009. Try to visualize what you want your life to look like at the end of the year. Examine your values and beliefs, and decide what is important to you and possible ways to create better personal and professional relationships.

• Focus on being present in the Now

       Try to live each day more in the present moment. Staying focused in the here and now can help to reduce anxiety and depression and bring more calm and peace to your mind.

• Practice being less emotionally invested in the outcome

       Being less invested in the outcome of a relationship or life situation can reduce angst and drama in a person’s mind. Who doesn’t want less drama in life?  Stepping back and mindfully observing a situation often facilitates more clarity, better communication and decision-making processes.

• Serve the World

       During 2009, create ways to serve and give to others from your heart. Focus on making the world a better place to live and exist. The universe will respond with generosity and abundance.

Create the life and relationships you want and deserve to have!

All the best,

Kemp

www.therapyforgaymen.com

The holiday’s are almost here again! Are you anticipating good times with your family, friends, partner, professional or social gatherings? Are you looking forward to peaceful and fun times with people you care about?  Or are you dreading the season, anxious or stressed about dealing with family members, your partner’s expectations, or financial issues? Some people experience excessive stress and become emotional train wrecks during the holidays. Others experience increased loneliness and isolation. Some possible reasons for this are:

• Self-imposed expectations for “performing” certain tasks during the season. For instance: “ I have to buy the ‘perfect’ gift for every person on my shopping list.” I have to go to every holiday social event I am invited to go to.

• Idealized or fantasy beliefs of what the holiday ‘should’ be like. Stress and emotional distress can often be a result of working too hard to make the holidays into something that is not realistic at this time in your life.

• Dealing with immediate and extended family members during the holidays can sometimes create stress and emotional pain. Unresolved conflict in relationships with family members may be accentuated during this time.

• Stress and emotional distress may be the result of financial limitations for spending during the holiday season; or perhaps due to disagreement with family members or partners about how much money should be spent during the holidays.

• Loneliness and isolation may be caused by being physically separated from family and friends, or limited social support network.

So to help you get ready for the holiday season, I’m offering you a pre-holiday ‘tune-up.’

  Things you can do To Reduce Stress and Take Care of Yourself and Emotional Health During the Holidays

• Set realistic expectations for your gift buying and giving this year. Lighten up on your expectations to have to give the ‘perfect’ gift.

• Work on having a realistic view of your ‘adult’ holiday experience based on present life situation and relationship, not the fantasy of your ‘childhood’ holiday memories.

• Examine your personal needs for interaction with family members during the holidays. Set realistic expectations for relational experiences with family members based on present relationships, not a fantasy of what you want the relationship experience to be like. Decide on how much time you want to spend with family members and friends.  Be open to learning from family members and friends about their life experiences, beliefs, values, thoughts, and feelings during the conversations you may have with them.

• Set a budget for spending. If in a relationship, work together with your partner to come to an acceptable agreement about spending during the holiday season.

• Consider starting one or more new traditions during the season such as: going to a concert, dinner at a fine dining restaurant, donating time to serve the homeless.

• Take time to reflect on the abundance and goodness that you have in your life.

• Try to enjoy the time spent with family and friends, and stay out of the ‘drama’ for family or relationship dynamics.

• Be sure to take care of you with physical exercise and sufficient rest and sleep.

Reducing stress producing and emotionally distressing situations during the holiday season may actually help you move away from just ‘surviving’ the holidays to actually ‘thriving during the season!

Create the life and relationships you want and deserve to have!

Peace to you!

Kemp

www.therapyforgaymen.com

I was having dinner with a friend not too long ago. At one point in our conversation he asked why I thought gay men have a difficult time staying in long-term, committed relationships with other gay men. He wondered if the reason was “infidelity.” This got me thinking about why it is some gay men struggle to build and maintain longer-term relationships and other gay men seem to be able to navigate the terrain of relationship building and challenges more successfully.

Dating, building and sustaining relationships require, energy, focus, commitment and some degree of interpersonal communication skills regardless of a person’s sexual orientation. Gay men have the capacity for intimate emotional and physical connection, and desire to love and to be loved. But often experience some challenges in the area of relationship growth, development and commitment.

So in response to my friend’s question about why gay men have a difficult time staying in long-term relationships, here are some factors that may contribute to a gay man having a challenge cultivating and sustaining a long-term committed relationship.

•  Internalized belief that having a long-term gay   relationship is not attainable or acceptable.

       Gay men grow up in cultural environments that are often judgmental and non-accepting of gay relationships. Cultural, societal, family, religious beliefs are internalized and often in conflict with the person’s sexual attractions and desire for relationship with another man. If a gay man believes he is not capable or permitted to establish long-term loving, caring, and committed relationships with another man, this may contribute to his inability to have a longer-term relationship at this point in his life. In other words, there is a cognitive dissonance about being in a gay relationship.

•  He may or may not be sure he wants a longer-term relationship.

       Sometimes a gay guy may not desire or want a long- term relationship. He may want companionship, sexual intimacy that being with another man can provide; but may not want to make the commitment to do the emotional and relationship work necessary to establish, grow and sustain a longer-term relationship. He may also be ambivalent about wanting to be in a long-term loving relationship, and not sure what he wants in terms of a relationship with a guy.

• Fear or ambivalence about getting closer to his partner.

       Once the initial attraction and courting stage of the relationship are concluded, the real work of growing and developing the relationship begin. Some gay men experience anxiety and fear about getting closer emotionally and dealing with relationship conflicts and challenges that come up as the relationship naturally moves forward. Some relationships end at this point due to fear, anger, and lack of skill in navigating through this stage of the relationship. Other gay guys find ways to get support and information about how to deal with the relationship challenges and continue to work on growing the relationship.

• Infidelity

During our dinner conversation my friend hit on a point that has some merit. Sometimes gay relationships do end as a result of infidelity by one or both partners. Not all gay relationships end as a result of infidelity. However, there is often significant emotional pain as a result of infidelity in a relationship; therefore, the future of the relationship and potential for healing will have to be honestly explored by each partner.

Tips for Dealing with the Challenges of Long-Term Relationships.

1. Work on getting clear about whether you want to be in a longer-term relationship at this point in your life. Life priorities will usually determine the degree of commitment to choosing, establishing, and growing a long term loving, caring relationship. It’s ok to not want to be in a relationship at certain times in life, as well as wanting to be in a relationship at other times. The important thing is to be clear and focused on what you want in your life.

2. Work on identifying and reducing issues of fear that may be holding you back from attracting a quality relationship into your life. Examine fear-based beliefs about being in a gay relationship, being abandoned or rejected, loving and being loved, and being emotional and physically intimate with another human being.

3. Reach out for support and help to learn how to deal with the emotional aspects of your relationship with yourself and your partner. A professional therapist/counselor is trained to help you deal with relationship and personal issues that are challenging and painful for you. Working with a professional can be a good investment for you and your relationship.

4. Give yourself permission to date, explore and experience relationships with other gay men. Learn from each experience as much as you can about who you are and whom you want to be in relationship, and what you want to experience in a relationship. And of course, try to have fun as you meet other people and meet more of yourself in the process!

 Create the life and relationships you want and deserve!

All the best,

Kemp

 www.therapyforgaymen.com

Personal Relationships often go through developmental phases involving periods of negotiating degrees of emotional closeness and distance with our partners, friends, families, or work associates. It’s normal to struggle with these phases and to know how to navigate through the relational passage into a deeper, more meaningful relationship. Following are some ideas on how to begin creating more intimacy in your relationships.

1. Accept your struggle with intimacy or emotional closeness as a normal part of your relationship and individual growth process. See it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your partner as you work on growing and nurturing your relationship.

2. Explore how your personal relationships history with former partners, friends, and family members may impact your ability to be close or distant in your relationship. Examine what earlier patterns of negotiating emotional closeness and distance in these relationships may be contributing to the experience of pain in your current relationship. What did you learn about being emotionally close from your previous interpersonal relationships with parents, siblings, friendships and others. Are you and/or partner afraid of being hurt, abandoned, or abused in the relationship, and protecting yourselves by avoiding getting close to each other emotionally.

3. Somtimes people struggle with intimacy because of being afraid. Fear can prohibit a natural flow of expressing thoughts and feelings within a relationship, and can create distance, anger, stress, depression and fatigue in each person. Think about whether you might be afraid of being known more deeply by your partner; if so, what are you afraid of? Do you have unresolved issues of shame, guilt, internalized homophobia, or other things that may be contributing to your anxiety and fear?

4. Risk talking to your partner about your thoughts and feelings related to your concerns about the current level of closeness or distance you experience with him. By the way, an open, honest, respectful dialogue can help build intimacy in a relationship.

5. Seek the support and care of a professional therapist who is trained to help you and your partner deal with the underlying issues contributing to pain and problems in your relationship.

6. Give yourself permission to invest in any amount of time, financial resources, and support necessary to help you attain your desire to for a more loving, caring, authentic relationship with your self and partner.

7. Try to enjoy the process of acquiring increased self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-worth as a a result of your commitment to caring about yourself and the health of your relationship.

Create the life and relationships you want to have!

Kemp

www.therapyforgaymen.com

Welcome to my blog. I’m glad you found it. This is a blog for gay men and those who love and care about gay men. The blog provides tips, strategies, and information that might be able to help you have better relationships and life experiences. Being gay, and living in this world and society can be challenging at times. However, the good news is, it is possible to have the life and relationships we want and deserve to have. Like most things of significant value in life, creating fulfilling lives and relationships takes investment of time and energy.

Upcoming blog topics:
• Building and Sustaining Intimacy in Relationships
• Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Stress
• Dating a guy who is not out at all with family and friends
• Coming Out in the Workplace
• Dealing with the Holidays
• Challenges of the Pressure to Look Good

Check back often for new posts. Let me know your topics of interest as well.

Take care,

Create the life and relationships you want to have!

Kemp
www.therapyforgaymen.com