Jealousy in Relationships

                       

 

Jealousy is the tie that binds, and binds, and binds.

                                                   Helen Rowland

 

 

Mike and Dan have been in a committed relationship for 5 years. One evening, while having dinner with some good friends, Dan notices that Mike is flirting with their mutual friend Rob. Dan is bothered by his partner’s flirtatious behavior. He feels jealous, angry, and anxious. He doesn’t know what to do with his intense feelings, and feels guilty for even having an emotional reaction to Mike and Rob’s interaction.

 

White and Mullen (1989) define jealousy as “a complex of behaviors, thoughts, and emotions resulting from the perception of threat to the self and/or relationship by a real or potential rival relationship.”

 

Most gay men have experienced jealousy at some point in their lives and relationships. The feelings can be painful, complex, confusing and create emotional and relational distress. The intensity of jealousy seems to increase when situations are perceived to be more threatening to the person and/or relationship. So, what might some of the underlying dynamics of the experience of jealousy in a relationship be about? Here are a few possibilities:

 

• Fear of loosing the relationship you have with your      

  partner, and the dividends of time, energy, and    

  commitment invested in the relationship.

 

• Feeling insecure about the level of trust, emotional

   safety, and commitment in the relationship.

 

• Lower self-confidence in your ability to attract,

  nurture, and sustain a meaningful, loving, and

  caring relationship with your partner.

 

  

• Unresolved emotional pain from previous relational

   experiences such as: infidelity, mistrust, dishonesty.

 

• The other guy’s perceived attractiveness.

 

 

 

Jealousy in your life and relationship situations presents an opportunity to get to know your self better, and to work on healing the blocks, and defenses that contribute to emotional and relational pain. It can help you have a more meaningful relationship with your self and others.

 

                 Ways to begin dealing with Jealousy

 

       • Acknowledge the feelings without judging them.

          Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad.

          Feelings give us good information about our

          interior world of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

 

       • Ask your self the question: What am I afraid of?

          Try to dig deep in exploring what your fears may be.

          Identifying and naming what you are afraid of can                  help to begin soothing the fear inside of you.

 

 

       • Consider talking with your partner about your

          jealousy and associated thoughts and feelings.

          This may help reduce your anxiety and create

          closeness in your relationship with the person

           you love and care about. In addition, you will

           be relating from a higher, more authentic sense

          of self.

 

       • Talk with a therapist, counselor, spiritual mentor

          about your struggle. Reaching out for support and

          help is a sign of strength and courage. It can be a

          good investment of time, energy and financial

          resources well spent.

 

 

 

Create the Life and Relationship You Want!

 

 

All the best,

 

Kemp

 

 

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